Redneck Perspective: Smartphones for dummies

By on February 6, 2013

Jackson Hole, Wyo.-Susie invited me for breakfast at Shades last week, her treat. We were discussing an appropriate time we could get together and “talk” now that her husband had returned from a conservation symposium, entitled “Building environmentally sustainable trophy homes, a compassionate eco-conscious vision.” Our conversation was interrupted by a buzzing vibration from her pocket.

“Have you been to Ella’s Room?” I asked, suddenly feeling a bit aggressive. (According to Susie, her husband offered little competition, but modern pleasure devices imported from China are a different story, especially if powered by the Energizer batteries that just keep on going.)

Susie shook her head, stopped talking and pulled out a flat electronic device. “It’s my new iPhone 5. It is so cool; you should get a smartphone, Clyde.”
The truth is I am a little intimidated by smart phones. Last month, Susie’s husband, Jameson, returned a day early from an Association of Environmental Consultants, Experts and Specialists symposium: “Increase confusion;
increase fees, a pragmatic approach” and I borrowed Susie’s iPhone to call Alice, my Republican lover, to tell her I could come over and spend the night after all. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure how to turn the thing on, let alone dial. I had to give it back to Susie and have her dial the number. It was a bit awkward.

“It’s a tweet from Ginger in California, my old college roommate! She and her husband are having waffles for breakfast!”
“Are they having bacon too?” I asked.

Susie typed on the pad, waited a moment, and then said. “Fresh strawberries, but no bacon.”

It seemed a waste of time to tweet about a breakfast without bacon, but that’s California for you.

Just then Lisa brought us our breakfast – some funny looking granola stuff for Susie and a huge breakfast burrito with a side of hash browns for me. Susie couldn’t help herself. “I have to take a picture of that Clyde!” She snapped an iPhone picture of me putting salsa on the burrito then punched on her pad. “I just posted you putting salsa on your burrito on Facebook!”

Susie punched some more then exclaimed. “45 percent of people prefer their breakfast burrito with salsa, 38 percent like it plain and 17 percent are unsure within the poll’s 3 percent margin of error.” She showed me the screen. “I can get the results in a colored pie chart or bar graph with survey data, and a hot link to vote on which of the stars of The Perks of being a Wallflower has better fashion sense.

Susie’s phone vibrated again. I’m surprised Apple doesn’t have an ‘app’ for, well, you know what I mean.

“I have six responses to my Facebook post!” She showed me: “OMG that looks good;” “wish I was there;” “looks delicious,” and other such enlightened responses. One, from a hot 21-year-old, according to her Facebook picture read: “Who’s the old guy with the beer gut? Call me kinky but I’m into those. I hope it’s just a phase I’m going through.”
I bought an iPhone the next day.

About Clyde Thornhill

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