REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: “Circling Hog Island” premieres

By on June 4, 2013

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – Mary, the publisher, called me to her office.

“Ceci Clover announced last week that she is through writing the column ‘Circling the Square’ for the News & Guide,” Mary said. “JH Weekly has struggled to connect with established families in the valley almost as much as we have struggled trying to connect to non-established families. A gossip column attracts that bored consumer demographic our advertisers love and makes us appear sympathetic to traditional locals. Because of your literary abilities, the discerning depth of your understanding of issues, your ability to maintain objectivity, and because no one else wanted to write a gossip column, we chose you.”

“What does it pay?” I asked warily.

“Don’t view this from a purely financial perspective,” she said. “Consider the national exposure you’ll receive. Plus, as an incentive, we’re offering the title of undersecretary to the vice-president’s assistant of the copy editing department.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “I’ll do it!”

Below is my first installment of “Circling Hog Island.”

Mr. and Mrs. Roy Smith announced their son Robert has recently been advanced to trustee. Congratulations may be sent to #263209 at the Wyoming State Penitentiary. During his time incarcerated, Robert has not only achieved his dream of a seventh grade education, he has learned a valuable lesson. “I’ll never shoot elk out of season again without at least using a silencer,” he said. We’re all proud of you Robert!

The Hog Island Lions Club is having a beer and ammo sale to raise funds to offset the hospital expenses incurred to Lynyrd Johnson from burns he sustained while hunting chiselers up the Gross Ventry. According to his brother, Tank, as he is affectionately called, Lynyrd rolled his four-wheeler and his gun discharged a tracer bullet into the gas tank causing an explosion. The four-wheeler was a total loss; Lynyrd is expected to recover.

Visiting relatives for the week from Oklahoma include Jed Crotich. Jed has come into his own as a used mobile home salesman. And while he misses Wyoming, he seems to have found a home in the Sooner State. While Hog Island might be the last enclave of normality in Teton County, according to Jed, the whole state of Oklahoma is full of normal people that drink normal beer, normal coffee, shoot critters, have never heard of sushi, and if they did, would deep fry it in lard. According to Jed, those looking for investment opportunity could do worse than exploring the previously owned mobile home market in Oklahoma.

The first meeting of Hog Island’s Internal Peace and Social Consciousness Yoga Meditative group took place last Thursday at Ben Johnson’s new double-wide trailer. Fearing a low turnout, event organizer Moonbeam Blossom of Inversion Yoga offered free Budweiser and grilled sausages. The response was overwhelming. Tragically, a domestic disturbance erupted when Ethel Grace was in a pose and her husband Willuf made a remark about downward dog, non-Biblical sex and banjo music. Willuf is expected to be released from St. John’s Hospital in a week. Meanwhile Moonbeam took a leave of absence from Inversion to attend the monster truck rally in Vegas with Uncle Cleofus. She is not the first maiden whose heart fell prey to pickup trucks, gun racks, beer bellies and blue heelers.

About Clyde Thornhill

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