REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island think tank swimmin’

By on August 13, 2013

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – I swung by Shades just as they were closing for the day, the best time to snag free muffins. Shades will sell today’s muffins tomorrow as day-olds as their monetary basis, if viewed through an exclusively fundamental micro-economic perspective, has decreased dramatically. However, since it is not yet tomorrow, a perspective based on the time-space continuum (see Einstein’s theory of special relativity) would establish them as still fresh. So, instead of Susie sneaking me a free day-old worth a dollar, I get a fresh muffin worth $2! This is a 100 percent increase in value on a product I paid nothing for, which is an infinite return on investment.

Susie was excited about something else. She grabbed me a strawberry-cream-ginger-blueberry muffin and broke the news. “Manchester just joined the Jackson Hole Center for Global Affairs!”

I scoffed. Global affairs? Hell, Manchester can’t even keep Susie satisfied. Despite Susie’s and my occasional intimate adventures, I am always a bit defensive when she brags about her husband.

I decided to be a bigger man about it. “If he is traveling the globe having affairs, it means more time for our affairs,” I said.

“No silly,” she said. “The Center for Global Affairs is one of the top 10 West Bank think tanks.”

“What is a think tank?” I asked.

“It is an organization that meets to talk about ideas.”

“Oh, I get it. Like a bar.”

Suzie was exasperated. “It’s a nonprofit. People donate money to it,” she explained.

“So they drink for free?” Maybe I have underestimated Manchester all these years.

“They meet to discuss solutions to the world’s problems,” she corrected me.

I had listened to the radio news on the drive into town, and it would be my casual observation that the Jackson Hole Center for Global Affairs was not doing a very good job.

“Think tanks are a place for the higher evolved, well informed and socially aware to exchange ideas and creative energy, and for donors to get a tax break,” Susie explained.

So a think tank is like a fish tank, but instead of fish, it’s filled with people wearing pleated pants and button-down shirts, with iPads in their hands, iPhones in their pocket, and iKnow in their attitude.

“Even Jonathan Schechter has his own think tank, the Charture Institute,” Susie rubbed in.

Jonathan is a competing economics columnist in the NaG, but despite his showy use of big words and pie charts, he could have never figured out the cost/value ratio for day-old muffins.

The prospect of earning 501(c)(3) tax free donations inspired me, so I started my own think tank: The Hog Island Charture Institute for World Peace, Pretty Girls and Beer. HICIWPPGB is the premier bipartisan public policy research center in the greater Hog Island area. Our mission is to support sustainable world peace through the nonpartisan and non-ideological promotion of pretty girls and beer.

We will develop interactive web-based tools to identify and sustain the essential qualities of peace, develop funding mechanisms for non-lite beer brewing, promote an import beer “tariff free zone” and lobby our elected officials to provide tax breaks for women seeking breast enhancement surgery.

Send donations to Clyde C/O JH Weekly.

About Clyde Thornhill

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