REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Moving on from muffins

By on December 30, 2013

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – Many in Jackson are lamenting the closing of Shades Café and the loss of menu staples such as Eggs Tomavo, delicious homemade soups and robust salads. Also gone will be the generous support of the local arts scene that featured live music, poetry readings, dinner parties, popup boutiques and art openings. I’m mad because it means no more free muffins.

Susie, my Shades girl and chief day-old muffin supplier, has moved on to Healthy Being Juicery. After futile attempts to obtain a free muffin at Starbucks, Persephone Bakery and Cowboy Coffee, I decided to give Healthy Being Juicery a try, though I had my doubts. I wasn’t sure exactly what a Juicery is, and the expression “Healthy Being” implied tofu, bean sprouts, and other violations of neo-regional-classic Hog Island cuisine.

My attitude perked up when I saw Healthy Being’s symbol on the juice bottles, a darkened silhouette of a naked woman. I had seen similar icons used for strip bars, and it suggested a good time was to be had by all.

“Clyde, welcome!” Susie exclaimed. While several attractive women worked with her behind the service counter, I noticed there was no dancer’s pole. Once again, new age product promotion was attempting to capitalize on iconic symbols that have been used for millennia to objectify the female form, to equate a woman’s worth, in a socio-cultural context, with her body’s appearance, (Objectification Theory: Fredrickson & Roberts, 1997). I didn’t mind the obfuscation. The more examples of nude females the better.

“Got any day old muffins?” I asked.

“Clyde,” she said, “We sell artisanal, cold-pressed, 100 percent organic, handcrafted daily, small batch juice, complete with enzymes, vitamins and trace minerals that combine a balance of flavors and health-stimulating nutrients.”

I’m not a big juice drinker. However, I had a bottle of gin left over from a Christmas party and gin needs a good mixer. The host had told guests to take home any leftovers and as the bottle of gin was three quarters full I figured it qualified, and that it would keep better than plum pudding.

I looked at the menu board and tried to decide which juice would make the best martini. Beets with Granny Smith apples? Cucumbers, lemons and ginger? Carrot, coconut, kale and lemon? Or perhaps green juice made with collard greens, cucumber, parsley and celery?

“Gosh,” I said, “So many choices.” Then I remembered that anything involving naked women – from strip bars to “Naked” brand smoothies to girlfriends – is expensive. How much for the juice?”

“Twelve dollars,” Susie said.

Twelve dollars! I could buy a basil, strawberry, lemon, agave, lime, sea salt, cucumber and mint martini at Ignite for that much with the booze already included. However, it is poor taste to disappoint a counter full of cute women so I told Susie to pick a juice for me.

She handed me her concoction. “That will be $14,” she said.

“I thought you said $12?” I questioned.

“The juice is $12, silly. But with the bottle it is $14.”

The juicery may not have a pole, but its pricing matrix is remarkably similar to that of finer gentlemen’s clubs.
I got home and made a drink. I doubled the gin, halved the juice, and it wasn’t completely unpalatable. But healthy cocktails? What will be next, organic, free-range bacon?

About Clyde Thornhill

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