DEAR ROCKY LOVE: Time to shack up?

By on September 17, 2014
Rocky Love




Rocky Love

Dear Rocky Love,

I’m a 23-year-old woman, chasing the dream here in Jackson. I moved here about two years ago. I’ve dated a bit but didn’t meet anyone I was that into until my current boyfriend. We’ve been together about two and a half months. Everything is great with us. But his lease is up at the end of September, and we’re trying to figure out what to do. We are really into each other, but haven’t been dating long. My roommate says it’s cool if he moves in with us, and it would help us all on the rent. We already stay with each other most nights and it seems silly to pay rent for two places. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, Rocky Love. Is it too soon to be shacking up?

– Signed, Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

I envy you! You are in that blissful phase when the thought of moving in with someone sounds easy and totally natural. Save on rent, carpool to the ski hill, make delicious meals, fall into bed together. Right now you can’t even conceive of how you’re going to feel when he leaves a sopping wet sponge in the kitchen sink overnight for the 400th time. Or what it means that you will be in each other’s space every single minute, even when only one of you is home, because the traces of the other person will be everywhere.

Moving in with someone is essentially psychologically merging. If you do it right now, when you don’t really know one another that well, you will be setting yourselves up for all kinds of negotiations and mini conflicts you don’t yet have the experience with, or understanding of, one another to navigate.

So, to answer your question, yes, it is too soon to be shacking up. Especially if you are really into one another. You want to ensure the success of this relationship and build the best possible foundation together. The way to do that is to let things develop at a natural pace. Spend lots of time together, yes. Spend most nights together, that too! You will be so glad to have your own bedroom in your own separate house on the day you have your first major fight.

And even during the great parts of your new relationship, you want space to be able to be alone and digest all that’s happening to you. It’s all a bigger metaphor for remembering yourself, taking care of yourself. Making room for you to be alone, to be just separate from anyone, is the best way to assure the survival of any relationship.

Saving on rent should be Reason Number 575,932 for moving in together. Don’t let yourself think that you’re solving the housing crisis by doing something so premature.

Rocky Love’s mother once told her: living with someone is like getting married. For all intents and purposes, that’s true, though marriage does add a whole other level of complexity and commitment. Anonymous, you have all the time in the world to live with this guy. Enjoy the many delights of NOT living together right now. Keep it spontaneous, sexy and fun.

– XO, Rocky Love


Dear Rocky Love is an advice column on dating, sex and relationships in the Tetons. Send your letters c/o JH Weekly, PO Box 3249, Jackson, WY 83001

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