REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Common Core vs. Hog Island science

By on October 8, 2014

With the election season in full swing, there is debate that Common Core curriculum teaches liberal science (scientific facts adjusted to accommodate wishful thinking) as opposed to conservative science (scientific facts adjusted to accommodate political donations). I will offer a brief history of science, revealing which is true.

In caveman days science was based on empirical evidence (a posteriori knowledge if you’re at a cocktail party in the Pines). The Earth was flat, the sun orbited the Earth, and mammoth meat tasted better than grubs. Then the Greeks came along and invented a formula to decipher the area of a triangle! Classical scholars tear up at the mention of ancient Greece, but the formula has turned out to be pretty worthless as no one uses triangles much nowadays.

During the Dark Ages mankind achieved scientific certainty. They were so certain they burned alive all who disagreed. Burning alive is not allowed in America, which, according to Wyoming District 22 Representative Marti Halverson, is another sign of the Obama administration’s over-reach and a violation of the Tenth Amendment. She has introduced legislation to require the burning of liberals, latté drinkers, gays, Prius owners, free thinkers, and all who oppose freedom by being different than her.

During the Renaissance mankind realized the Earth revolved around the sun rather than the sun around the Earth. This discovery pissed off Wilson residents, who for years considered themselves the center of the Universe.

Today science is used to obtain grants, condemn opposing opinions and win votes from people who think America’s most pressing problem is whether the Earth is six thousand or six billion years old.

So what to believe? Well, global warming is true. But don’t take my word for it; ask any old-timer. They will confirm winters were longer and colder when they were a kid as well as expound on difficulties faced walking to school, the value of the dollar and the shortcomings of today’s children.

Evolution is not true because the term implies that humans have evolved. Westbankers equate evolving with digesting sushi and white wine; Hog Islanders think evolution means ever-larger pickups and more handguns. But given the growing popularity of lite beer, rule changes that turn the NFL into a sorority pillow fight, shortened elk hunting seasons and the content of Jake Nichols’ rants in The Planet, it appears Darwin had it backward. We are devolving!

Special Relativity is true as those who watched last season’s Super Bowl can attest. The Broncos were moving slower than the Seahawks, so for Bronco fans time during the game went much slower.

The flat Earth hypothesis is not true. If it were everyone on the bottom would fall off. “But wait!” you say. “If the Earth is round wouldn’t the people in Hoback Junction still fall off since Wilson is plainly on top and Hoback Junction on the bottom?” General Relativity states that on a round Earth, no one knows which is top or bottom, so top is relative to where one is standing, even for Wilsonites.

About Clyde Thornhill

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