WELL, THAT HAPPENED: Choose your masks carefully

By on October 29, 2014

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – There’s a big world out there, Jacksonites. I can’t say I’ve seen much of it, but I am aware it exists somewhere beyond them there mountains and ski lifts. We have a habit of snuggling inside our valley and plugging our ears to any outside noise. However, there are some of us who welcome outside noise, who subscribe to too many podcasts, barely flip through The New Yorker, have strong opinions about Game of Thrones spoilers, and frequent a gossipy webpage of choice when no one’s looking. This column is for those folks, and others looking to break the mold. Each week, I’ll dive into something that’s been orbiting the pop culture stratosphere outside our Jackson bubble. Will it always be reverent? No. Will I tug at your heartstrings? Maybe. Will I blow you away with my journalistic prowess? Please.

Let’s take the plunge, shall we?

Halloween 2012. Jessi Lundeen and I are standing in front of a mirror. While Jessi touches up her eye makeup, I’m readjusting my fake boobs. I’ve shaved off my beard. A hideous synthetic blonde wig is attached to my head. Stuffed into the crotch of my sparkly blue sweatpants is a round Disney pillow from Kmart—the perfect paunch. I’m incredibly proud of my costume. Mama June of “Honey Boo Boo” fame. Reverent! Horrific! Under $40!

Mama June is in the house.

Mama June is in the house.

“Yeah. You’re not getting laid tonight,” Jessi tells me.

I wish I could say I proved her wrong.

Every Halloween, we have a choice. As a child, it can be the most harrowing, difficult choice of the year. As an adult, you usually have to decide between two factors. Do I want to be authentic or attractive? Unless you look exactly like Hermione Granger, you’re never going to be both. Personally, I’ve always had a habit of going authentic. It’s much harder for dudes to take on something like a zombie and turn that into “sexy zombie,” whereas a girl has the opportunity to rip up her old clothes, show some cleave, add some dark eyeliner and BOOM. There is nothing wrong with that. Halloween is a great opportunity for boys and girls to amp up their creativity and sexuality.

Down with the puritans! Let those spirits run amok!

Be wary, however: too much creativity can ruin your chances, Mama Junes of the world. Remember when Lindsay Lohan showed up to that party in Mean Girls as an “Ex-Wife”? Genius! But totally gauche. Even Aaron Samuels cringed, and he went as a quarterback.

Ideally, on Halloween you either want to look different or recognizable. Or, in the recent case of Renée Zellweger, you choose recognizably different. I have no problem with celebrities or anyone for that matter getting plastic surgery. We’re only on this Earth for a short while; you might as well do what makes you happy. We sadly lost Joan Rivers this year, but she had always been on the first float of the “don’t give a shit” parade. I’m glad to see Zellweger entering that race.

Find any message board online and you’ll see the outrageous comments people are leaving in regards to Zellweger’s facial reconstruction. Gone is the squinty, puckered face of America’s Sweetheart and now her eyes are wider and her cheeks a bit less bulbous. But ultimately she still looks stunning and still looks like herself. Zellweger responded to critics saying, “I’m glad people think I look different. … I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows.”

What the judgmental are ignoring is that Zellweger is trying to convey a spiritual message of self-transformation. All they see is the one published unrecognizable photo of someone they thought they knew. Perhaps we grow so attached to female celebrities that when they change, we feel somewhat betrayed. It’s like we’re OK with saying, “Sure, keep getting plastic surgery so you always look the same, but don’t do TOO much.”

The same could be said for Halloween costumes, right? Ladies, feel free to do a little dressing up, but don’t go too far. You’ll damage your chances at appearing attractive: the one thing that’s always expected of you. Ugh, this world! [shakes fist]

About Andrew Munz

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