REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Islander takes on ‘Rocky Love’

By on January 27, 2015

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – The Planet recently canceled its dating in the Tetons advice column called “Dear Rocky Love.” The Rocky Love columnist obviously did her writing while strung out on Prozac, chamomile tea, and Harlequin novels. Talk about someone needing a night of reckless abandon with a Hog Islander!

The truth is I am not concerned about other people’s sex life; if I was, I’d become a Republican. Still, I have a responsibility to share my experience and expertise with any who seek wisdom. Here are a few of the wounded hearts I have helped heal.

Dear Clyde,

My girlfriend and I get along OK but sometimes she becomes irrational. What can I do?

Signed, What Does She Want?

Dear Want,

Your girlfriend sometimes becomes irrational? Whoever heard of such a thing! The most frustrating female trait is not their irrationality, but that it comes up with no time to preplan. If they would just agree to do it on a specific night, then that could be official poker night. Or better yet, if they would do it on Monday, we could go to the bar and watch football.

Here are two rules for dealing with irrational women: 1) Anything you do will make it worse. 2) Anything you don’t do will make it worse. My advice: Nod your head in agreement, keep your mouth shut and install earplugs! Good luck!

Dear Clyde,

I’ve finally found the girl of my dreams! Her dad owns a hog farm in Oklahoma, and she gets all the bacon she wants for free! What can I do to win her love?

Signed, Bacon Bliss

Dear Bliss,

All the bacon she wants for free? You may need help for this one. Send me her name and number, and I’ll see what I can do.

Dear Clyde,

I have been dating my new girlfriend for almost a week. It’s my first long-term relationship. How soon is too soon to ask her to clean my trailer?

Signed, Need My Floor Swept

Dear Swept,

When a man shows the type of commitment that you have, he shouldn’t have to make requests. Before you get deeper into the relationship, ask yourself this question: Does she know when your beer is empty and get you a fresh one, or do you have to tell her? Intelligent and attentive women can tell the amount of beer left by the tone the can makes when you set it on the table. If she is so into herself that she can’t perform even this modest chore, then what chance is there for true happiness?

Dear Clyde,

My husband spends all weekend watching sports and drinking beer. He doesn’t help around the house and he stays out late drinking with his buddies. He never takes me out and he spends our savings on guns, four-wheelers and new pickups. What can I do?

Signed, Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

Do about what?

Send any romantic problems to the Hog Island Institute of Relationship Studies, Department of Irrational Behavioral Science c/o Clyde Thornhill, Doctor of Female Sociology.

About Clyde Thornhill

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