REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Islanders banned from Cache Creek

By on March 25, 2015
(Photo Credit:

(Photo Credit:

Jackson Hole, Wyoming – A cute girl passed me on the Cache Creek trail last week. Her massive Husky was a bit intimidating, but luckily for me the dog took off chasing a moose. “Fluffy, come back,” she called. “Bad dog.”

With Fluffy otherwise occupied, I took the opportunity to paw, or “grope” her, as it is sometimes misinterpreted by the narrow-minded, and then licked her ear. She acted offended.

“Can’t you control yourself?” she demanded.

“It’s a natural instinct,” I said. “If you don’t want to be pawed why are you on the trail?”

Before she could answer Fluffy returned, a moose leg in his teeth. “Bad dog, bad Fluffy,” she yelled grabbing the moose leg away. “I don’t understand,” she complained. “I spent almost five minutes training him and he still chases wildlife.”

Fluffy, freed from the leg bone, took the opportunity to jump on me. “Bad dog, bad Fluffy,” she repeated. “Don’t jump on Hog Islanders, you could get your paws infected!”

Just then an enraged three-legged moose charged from the woods, a bloody stump where his left forefoot had been ripped out.

I pulled out the 44 magnum I had bought Susie, my organic juice girl, for her birthday. (Since she doesn’t like guns, I had kept it.)

I squeezed off a shot and the moose tumbled over dead at our feet.

“What are you doing discharging a firearm?” she exclaimed. “Can’t you see you are distracting from other people’s enjoyment? Plus it frightens the wildlife.”

After Fluffy pooped in the middle of the trail I threw a stick to distract him and snagged another quick paw before heading back to the truck.

You can imagine my shock when I learned the Cache Creek Trail will be closed to Hog Islanders for a week while the Forest Service contemplates the situation. They’re even considering a leash law for people living past the South Park Bridge.

The unfairness of this closer is obvious. Yea some of us like to grope, I mean paw. And sometimes we toss Budweiser cans without placing them in a plastic bag before leaving them on the trail for someone else to pick up, and occasionally a stray bullet takes out a biker, but is it fair to ban an entire user group for the actions of a few?

I approached the Jackson Town Council and asked them to consider making a “people park” where Hog Islanders can roam free from the restraints of Forest Service over regulation. Women could go there to be pawed, men could shoot guns, drink Budweiser and there would be an artificial climbing boulder men could climb and piss off of. (Guys like that kind of thing.)

There appears to be some support for the idea; Mayor Sara Flinter spoke favorably of the idea so long as the park is high class; Jim Stanford was good with the groping, pissing, and even shooting but he have some reservations: “Jackson is a microbrew community; do we really want people who drink Budweiser in our town?”

About Planet Jackson Hole

You must be logged in to post a comment Login