REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island economics

By on August 25, 2015

Thornhill hedge fund will bring in the dough


Blythe Winters-Paulson, vice-president of ethics with Goldman Sachs, for whom I serve as her Hog Island paramour, is in town for the Reserve Bank of Kansas City economic symposium. She invited me over for an evening of pleasure.

When I arrived at her Teton Pines Estate she was already soaking in her hot tub with a cute brunette.

“When Linda found out I had a Hog Islander on my play list she insisted I share,” Blythe said. “Linda’s on the Reserve Bank board and has promised to keep me updated on Federal Reserve monetary policy before it becomes public knowledge. I’ll make even more money than when I sold those Greek Bonds to an orphanage endowment.”

“From what I’ve heard about Hog Islanders, I’m the one getting a bargain,” Linda cooed.

“That’s fine with me,” I said. “Double the bankers compounds my interest.”

After an evening of amusement with Blythe and Linda, I kicked back with a Budweiser while the girls talked of leveraged buyouts, insider trading and SEC connections. It sounded like they had so much fun! I decided to start a hedge fund – The Thornhill Fund – to get in on the action. After Linda left I told Blythe my plan.

“Hedge funds offer managers opportunity for wealth accumulation,” Blythe told me. “The trick is finding investors. Most hedge funds require $1 million minimum investment. Finding that many people willing to trust a Hog Islander with a million dollars may prove challenging.”

“My 2014 GMC Sierra 3500HD Denali with 6.6 Turbo Diesel V8 engine will be paid off in just eight years,” I replied. “That is if I don’t miss any more payments. How much more financial intellect could one have?”

Later that week I gave an introductory presentation at The Pines for potential investors. Using colored pie and bar charts, a method I learned from News&Guide economic columnist Jonathan Schechter, I explained that The Thornhill Fund is structured like George Soros’ Quantum Group of Funds: we make investments in only those opportunities that offer high returns.

I began the talk with insight into the commodities market.

“With uncertainty in the Middle East, concerns regarding Chinese market contractions and fears the Hoback Junction one ton dually truck market has finally reached a point of saturation, many investors are scrambling to guess the direction of gasoline prices,” I said. “However, the Thornhill Fund does not scramble. I bought two five-gallon cans and filled one with gas for a long position should prices rise. I left the other one empty for a short position in case they fall, win-win!”

“We also watch biomedical markets and recently invested in Star Valley Laboratories (SVL on the NASDAQ),” I explained. “SVL recently marketed ‘Kissing Cousin,’ a do-at-home blood test to see how closely you’re related to your girlfriend. The market for this product has moved beyond Star Valley into Eastern Idaho and much of Utah. As one enthusiastic customer from Etna said, ‘You don’t want to get married and then find out you’re not related!’” PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

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