By on December 1, 2015

Get your gluttony on with a little help from Adele.

Adele’s “25” sold 3.38 million copies in its first week in the U.S. Pace yourself when ‘desserting’ along to a listen. (Photo: XL Recordings/Columbia Records)

Adele’s “25” sold 3.38 million copies in its first week in the U.S. Pace yourself when ‘desserting’ along to a listen. (Photo: XL Recordings/Columbia Records)

Jackson Hole, WY – Jesus, we just love Adele, don’t we? There’s something about that British, busty, golden-voiced diva that warms the cockles of our hearts; and her newest album, “25” (her age when she wrote it), only stokes that fire she set to the rain in her last album “21.” As always, she sings of the pains of love and heartbreak, about unrequited love and other stuff; and man, do we eat that shit up.

Speaking of eating, listening to Adele often makes me want to shove food in my mouth out of sheer necessity. Her songs throw me, along with many others across the world, into a depressed state of self-reflection; and we all know there’s nothing that goes better with Neapolitan ice cream than fresh salty tears.

Therefore, here’s a guide to 11 comforting desserts to pair with Adele’s new record.

1. Hello

Adele cooks up her signature sauce of simple piano mixed with some light vocals, kicking off the opening track, only to blossom into a grandiose climax of backup vocals and percussion. Therefore nothing would start off this dessert tour better than a pairing with an individual chocolate lava cake—light sponge on the outside with a surprise emotional flow of liquid chocolate fudge.

2. Send My Love (To Your New Lover)

“Treat her better,” Adele proclaims in this upbeat ode to a previous flame. While the song is nothing more than a cheap Lorde rip-off, your palate will be best served with a creamy lemon basil crème brûlée. Cracking through the caramelized sugar crust that has formed over an old relationship allows you to access the light, custardy healing that can be found underneath.

3. I Miss You

Adele may “want every single piece of you,” but before we go overboard this early, you might want to settle with just one slice of ginger spice cake topped with Speculoos cookie crumbles. Rich and flavorful with a bite of cinnamon and ginger, it can warm the empty hole dug out by bitter unrequited love… temporarily, anyway.

4. When We Were Young

If only we could turn back time and relive those perfect moments of our childhood. Well, as it turns out, you can. Just shove a box-mix confetti cupcake with some Betty Crocker blue frosting into your face to remind you of all the fun you had when you were a kid. Doesn’t taste as good as that ginger spice cake, does it? Yep, hindsight’s a bitch.

5. Remedy

Pot brownie for comfort.

6. Water Under the Bridge

Those backup vocals are back and Adele ain’t letting anything, not even a confusing relationship, get her down in this upbeat track that sounds like something that fell out of the era of aging diva power songs. Let’s just take it easy this round and let Adele have her 80s reflection phase, and eat some good ol’ Jello dirt puddin’ with crumbled Oreos.

7. River Lea

The River Lea runs through East London, and on this track Adele sings about how there was something in the water that now resides in her blood. According to Wikipedia, some fishermen have seen Canada geese get dragged under by an unseen predator within the river. They’ve never figured out what it was, so perhaps this evil monster is currently possessing Adele (“the reeds are growing out of my fingertips”). So weird. I think that brownie is kicking in. Hey, jelly beans…

8. Love in the Dark

Sweeping strings and basic piano chords kick off this song about low self-esteem and not being able to “love you in the dark” because “it feels like we’re oceans apart.” How many Grammys does this woman have? Still eating jelly beans.

9. Million Years Ago

This is kind of a knock-off of that Dean Martin “when marimba rhythms start to play, dance with me, make me sway” song. Again, Adele sings about stuff that happened when she was young. Maybe go back for another slice of that bomb-ass ginger spice cake because if Adele doesn’t have to be original, neither do I.

10. All I Ask

“What if I never love again?” Ugh. Bad boring piano, bad boring wailing. Stomach is starting to hurt. Ice cream time.

11. Sweetest Devotion

Save the sweetest for last because Adele sure didn’t. Dump some of that ice cream in a blender, add some milk, a huge spoonful of Nutella, and a banana. Blend. Consume, and hope that Adele’s next album is “32.” PJH

About Andrew Munz

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