By on December 29, 2015

Threatened ban could drive Hog Islanders from town grocers.

151230RedneckJackson, WY – Shock waves reverberated through Hog Island with the news that the World Health Organization has declared bacon is unhealthy. Alarm spread from the most modest single-wide trailer to the largest, most stunning and panoramic double-wide. Disbelief turned to dismay — “Bacon bad for you?” — who would have guessed.

Fear turned to panic when Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton stated she would outlaw bacon that came in packages larger than one pound and would require background checks on all bacon purchasers to be sure the buyers don’t have high blood pressure. Smith’s Food and Drug reported stampedes of Hog Islanders buying up not only stocks of Hormel bacon, but Oscar Mayer and even artisan Applewood smoked bacon. As supplies dwindled, those with less sophisticated palates and no sense of personal pride resorted to turkey bacon.

Luckily sanity reigned among GOP presidential candidates who decried the study. “It’s phony science,” stated New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. “I’ve been eating bacon all my life, and it hasn’t affected me.”

Donald Trump claimed the bacon study is the result of Muslim extremism. “Jesus ate bacon,” he explained. “And Muslims don’t. Everyone wanting to enter America should be required to eat bacon. If they refuse, they should be executed.” Several polls showed Trump’s bacon comments provided an upward bump in his popularity with likely GOP primary voters as well as with those traveling to the U.S. hoping to score a free piece of bacon while checking through customs.

Locally, focus has been on Whole Grocer, where rumors linking the food store to potential bacon bans are running amuck. Unlike most conspiracy theories, there appears to be evidence supporting claims of Whole Grocer’s complicity. Whole Grocer bacon prices are the most expensive in town, leaving some to believe the store is trying to increase tofu sales.

Most damning of all is Whole Grocer’s decision to remove bacon from its $8.99 a pound breakfast buffet. In a recent Jackson Hole News&Guide column, economist Jonathan Schechter claimed bacon was removed because Hog Islanders were filling up to-go boxes with pounds of bacon, which has a smaller profit margin than other foods. Schechter theorized that by removing bacon, Whole Grocer would increase sales of the more profitable $8.99 per pound oatmeal, resulting in upward trending, dynamic microeconomic growth, as outlined by short-run Keynesian theory in anticipated aggregate demand.

However, #Hobackmatters — a group seeking equality for Hoback Junctioners — claimed the removal of bacon was specifically designed to discourage Hoback Junction types from entering the store. Wilson moms discussing the latest Deepak Chopra book and how karma has touched their lives, while checking out the selection of organic Bulgarian lavender essential oils, are offended when Hoback Junctioners walk by dressed in Carhartts, carrying to-go boxes dripping with bacon fat, and engaging in loud conversations about NASCAR, trucks, intestinal gas and chainsaws. Their discriminatory attitude seems to be, “If people want to mingle with Hobackers, they can go to the Hill Climb!”

Given the controversy surrounding bacon, the World Health Organization has announced it is postponing its research into beer. PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

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