REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Hog Island Bike Path Faces Scrutiny

By on February 9, 2016

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – Hog Island may face legal problems if it fails to provide additional data to support its preferred option to not build a bike path through the trailer park according to an opinion recently solicited by Friends of Pathways. Various controversial aspects of the plan include: detrimental air quality due to sweaty bicyclers, potential damage to archeological sites including a 1963 singlewide trailer with pallet siding and four 1950s-era rusting Chevy trucks on blocks in the front yard, financial considerations on how climate change affects Budweiser and Copenhagen prices, and the potential use of the trail by motorcycles, four-wheelers and chisler hunters.

Friends of Pathways analysis concluded the Hog Island Path draft environmental impact statement was “legally vulnerable.” According to the analysis, “there is an open grassy area that lacks a non-motorized travel mechanism.” Friends of Pathways executive director Katherine Dowson said it was, “A tragic case of space going to waste. The situation is worse than the top of Snow King before the skyline trail.”

The 22-page analysis concluded that Hog Island’s approach “is inconsistent with the modern image projected by greenways planning that provides for more asphalt, more paved trails, and more bagel shops.

“This expert analysis was conducted,” Dowson wrote in a statement, “to provide our findings to a public comment period because the Hog Island Red Neck Re-education Act is a complex process involving the drinking of multiple lattés and the printing of thousands of sheets of paper.” Dowson added, “While we respect indigenous Hog Islanders’ religious beliefs that include worshiping pickup trucks, we can’t ignore our social responsibility to promote a more Westbankish cultural identity among Hog Island populations.”

While Holland and Hart’s analysis mentions safety of cyclers as a primary concern, local activist Franz Camenzind wrote to the Hog Island council expressing support for the commission’s preferred option.

“Some argue that a paved, separated, multipurpose pathway through the trailer park will be safer for bicyclists and pedestrians.” Camenzind explained. “However, history and a growing body of science strongly suggest that a paved pathway in that portion of Hog Island would be trading one safety concern for another. Vulnerable, lonely housewives, out for nothing more than a simple bike ride, could succumb to the bodily temptations of rednecks with beer bellies. And illicit affairs are not the only concern associated with sudden redneck encounters. Impressionable children with no familiarity with indigenous Wyoming populations could learn how to spit and cuss. During the fall rut, bike riders with bright green and orange jerseys will tempt locals who are sighting in hunting rifles.

“Most pathway users will have no way of protecting themselves during a redneck encounter unless they can knowledgeably discuss NASCAR, snowmachines or how muzzle velocity, sight heights, chronograph distance, ballistic coefficient, drag function, line of sight, cant angles and atmospheric conditions can be used to calculate bullet trajectory. How often will surprise encounters occur? What will be the outcome? We don’t know the answers, but I would not want my grandchildren bicycling on such a pathway.”

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