By on July 5, 2016

Investment strategies for rednecks by the fluid ounce.

160706RedneckJACKSON HOLE, WY – Due to my extensive knowledge of economics I have decided to print an advice column on investing, featuring questions from readers. Consider me a Hog Island Jim Cramer, except my advice doesn’t lose as much money as his.

Dear Clyde,

I graduated valedictorian from Star Valley High School a few years ago and recently, after several weeks of deep thought, I came up with a foolproof plan to make money! I sit around all day and drink as much beer as I can and then sell the empty cans for 22 to 32 cents a pound in Idaho Falls! It’s like free money. I upped my daily beer drinking to a case-and-a-half, and have my wife buy multiple cases at a time at Walmart. Well, after three months I have less money than when I started! My wife is pissed off and threatening to move back in with our parents. What am I doing wrong?

Considering a career as investment counselor. 

Dear Counselor,

While the underlining fundamentals of your investment are sound, keep in mind it takes around 33 empty beer cans to make a pound. You are going to have to drink a lot more beer to make this plan work, or maybe invite friends over to help drink. (Don’t tell them your idea or they will want in on it!) Here is another trick that will increase your profit even more. I learned it from Blythe Winters-Paulson, vice-president of ethics with Goldman Sachs, for whom I serve as a beer-bellied play toy! Expense the beer to a client, keep the money from recycled aluminum, and charge the client a commission.

Dear Clyde,

My wife and I have the typical investment of Hog Islanders: a savings plan in which we invest a set amount each month in the form of pickup truck payments. Knowing the importance of having a diverse portfolio, I have suggested that we buy more guns for our retirement while she thinks we should buy stocks. (What can I say, she was raised in Teton Pines and, though swept away by redneck loving, she still has a bit of the Pines in her.) What should I do to convince her?

Signed, Pining away.

Dear Pining,

People from the Pines are naïve when it comes to investing. With them it’s all Wall Street or wine. Since stock investing requires a working knowledge of market theory, commonly known on Wall Street as insider information, I suggest investing in wine. The best deal on wine is Charles Shaw—also known as “Two-Buck Chuck”—at Trader Joe’s. If you don’t mind a little extra work you can gain a premium by having your wife raid your father-in-law’s recycle bins, taking empty bottles of so-called “quality” wine, pouring Two-Buck Chuck into the empty bottles (try to match red to red, white to white) and storing them under your trailer. There, a diverse portfolio! And because of the discounted price of your wine collection there is still money for guns, beer and pickups. PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

You must be logged in to post a comment Login