REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Controversial Hog Island Principal Appointed

By on March 15, 2017

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume’s appointment for principal of the new Hog Island School was approved by the Hog Island Town Council today. “Betsy Ya-vol greatly supported me in the election campaign and she is tremendously qualified to serve as principal,” Uume stated.

Campaign finance reports show that Ms. Ya-vol donated beer and pretzels to Uume’s campaign events, and in one instance provided bacon wrapped bagels in an attempt to appeal to Hog Island’s small but growing population of bon vivants.

Opponents of Ms. Ya-vol’s appointment pointed to her lack of experience, her inability to answer simple questions about public education, as well as ongoing rumors that she drinks Coors instead of Bud Lite, drives a Ford not a Chevy, and dips Skoal instead of Copenhagen.   

Uume chided the press for focusing on the negative instead of Ms. Ya-vol’s positive traits. Ms. Ya-vol, Uume declared, is “tremendously committed to sponsoring real science in schools,” touting her membership in the International Flat Earth Society as proof.

“The International Flat Earth Society is dedicated to science, not liberal propaganda,” Uume explained. “They’re terrifically involved in exposing the truth about stuff.”

“What about gravity and the theory of general relativity?” A reporter from the Hog Island Daily Bacon asked the mayor, showing off his 12th grade education. “Doesn’t the warping of space-time prove Earth is a sphere?” (Sphere, for those of you living in Hoback Junction, means shaped like a beer belly.)

“Gravity was invented by a Jew trying to steal the Nobel Prize,” Uume said. “Things just naturally fall to the ground.”

When the reporter suggested that his comments regarding the Nobel Prize might be construed as anti-Semitic, Uume defended himself. “I am the least terrifically non-anti-Semitic of anybody in the world. I even eat kosher dills with my Rueben sandwiches; however, I don’t borrow money from Jews. They always expect to be repaid.”

“What about Columbus and Magellan?” the reporter persisted. “Didn’t their voyages prove the Earth is round?”

“That’s last year’s fake news,” Uume ragged. “Something The New York Times or CNN would report. You need to watch Breitbart and Fox for real news, like the truth about my popularity ratings—they are amazing and terrific, a record high, more than Muldoon’s.

Ms. Ya-vol aggressively defended flat earth theory at her confirmation hearings.

When shown satellite photos portraying the Earth as a sphere, (there’s that word again) Ms. Ya-vol scoffed. “It is generally agreed that there are no actual satellites but pseudolites put there by the liberal elite to fool us, and there is an incredible amount of proof to debunk photo shopped pictures from space. Astronauts have been tremendously bribed and hugely threatened by climate change radicals and others whose liberal agenda include brain washing children not only about the ridiculous round Earth theory, which is tremendously disproven, but the whole Earth around the sun conspiracy.”

Uume’s Hog Island supporters applauded Ms. Ya-vol’s appointment. “Hopefully this means we get more beer and pretzels,” one exclaimed. PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

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