Redneck Perspective: Hog Island Mayor Tours Asia for Bacon

By on November 15, 2017

Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume recently returned from his trade mission to Asia. (Well, it might be best described as a trade mission to Asia Minor. The Hog Island Town Council could only afford gas money for him to drive to San Francisco’s Chinatown and two orders of take out chop suey.) Uume gave a speech about his trip after his return was delayed due to the transmission going out in his 1987 Yugo GV.

Mayor Uume stated that his Asia policies were proving a “huge success-terrifically, tremendously, amazing and terrific success, proving he was the bestest mayor of all time and ever.”

Increasing Asian trade was the foreign policy cornerstone of Mr. Uume’s mayoral campaign.

“The Chinese love pork,” he explained. “They even have an official Year of the Pig!”

It was Uume’s campaign promise to open up trade barriers with China to provide Hog Island with cheap bacon imports that political pundits believe swung the election Mr. Uume’s way. However, the bacon samples he brought back from Chinatown were met with less than enthusiasm.

Chinese bacon, it was discovered, is air-cured in sunlight, not smoked and is preserved with soy sauce, star anise and cinnamon. No self-respecting Hog Islander would eat bacon made with soy sauce and cinnamon!

Mayor Uume’s other Asian trade initiative involved enticing hot Asian chicks to relocate to Hog Island to provide female companionship to Hog Islanders.

“The girls at the strip clubs could not keep their hands off me.” Uume claimed. “Especially when I gave then 100-dollar bills!”

After reading the fine print in the trade agreement, though, it appeared all that was promised to lonely trailer house dwellers was an hour session at Rainbow Massage at full price.

But Mayor Uume’s greatest victory in Asia was the fact that his new Chevy Silverado 3500 HD was the “biggest, most awesomest car in Asia by far, as Asians typically drive small cars.”  (Uume’s car is really a1987 Yugo GV, but everyone is afraid to tell him a Chevy Silverado is not the same thing as a Yugo.)

“It’s amazing and awesome, and tremendously amazing to have the biggest car in all Asia!” he told reporters. “Now I love Asians, don’t get me wrong I do, but they have small cars and when you drive something as big as a Silverado the people respect you. The Asian people worshiped me which is why I got such amazing unbelievable, fantastic trade deals.”

After his Yugo was repaired Mayor Uume organized a parade in his honor through the trailer court. When it appeared no one would show up, Mayor Uume used his connections with the CEO of Hormel (which some would say is an example of his ethically questionable connections) and cash from a growing reelection fund to buy pound of bacon for each parade spectator. (Uume is a major recipient of campaign contributions from “The Flat Earth Society” and the “Organization for Truth Subjectivity.”)

Crowds lined the street and Uume announced the parade “the biggest most amazing tremendous outpouring of affection ever and of all time and ever.” PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

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