Teardrops for Taylor: Let’s lure T-Swizzle to Wyoming with the Devil’s Tower and a Kanye ban

By on November 15, 2017


There was a time when Taylor Swift still played places like the Cheyenne Frontier Days, back when playing cities like Cadott, Wisconsin and Minot, North Dakota on the state fair and country festival loop was still a thing she had to do. Yeah, she’s the biggest star in the world now, but if you know the right words to plug into Youtube there is visual proof that Taylor Swift once played “Teardrops On My Guitar” in this state. To put things in true perspective, the last time Taylor Swift did anything in Wyoming, other than fly over it, Kanye West had yet to jump up on the VMA stage for a moment that neither of them can fully get past.

Simpler times, you know?

It’s hard to grasp just how popular Taylor Swift is these days. She’s so big that she doesn’t have to stream her record online the first week it’s out. Tickets to see her, if you can get them, will set you back at least $100 on average, and that’s for the privilege of watching her on the other side of a stadium. She’s so popular she doesn’t even have to acknowledge the fact that white nationalists are over the moon for her because pretending that’s not a thing won’t impact her bottom line.

With Reputation now out in the wild, it’s only a matter of time before she hits the road again, and you know deep down in your heart that the odds of her making an appearance in this neck of the woods is slim. Sure, you can always gas up and hit the road with your fellow Swifties for a #TayTay4Eva road trip, but that sounds like a lot of work.

The old, willing-to-play-Wyoming Taylor is dead, but that doesn’t mean the new, got-the-internet-to-take-a-Kardashian’s-side-in-a-feud Taylor can’t be tricked into returning to the Equality State. We just have to be willing to play into her ego.

First and foremost, we have to mobilize the entire teenage population of the state to start tweeting about her round the clock, streaming her videos 24/7 and spending their disposable income on buying a whole new Swift-centric wardrobe. This is nonnegotiable; Swifties everywhere are already doing this thanks to Swift’s new deal with Ticketmaster which rewards their loyalty/dollars with increased chances they’ll be able to throw more money at her when tickets for her shows go on sale. Remember: only the first 13 copies of Reputation you buy count toward proving your loyalty to Taylor, every copy after that is just a waste of money. Spend wisely.

Secondly, we’ll have to play up the historic nature of her return. The biggest concert in Wyoming history drew around 25,000 music lovers, and while that’s nothing to sneeze it, 25,000 people is an off-night in Tennessee for a star as popular as Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift coming back to Wyoming is going to require a state holiday of some sort, in addition to a radical rethinking about how concerts work around here. Since there’s not enough time to build a performance palace worthy of her majesty, this is going to have to be an outdoor shindig if her show is going to set any kind of attendance record that will go down in state history.  

Taylor Swift is going to have to perform on top of Devil’s Tower.

It’s the only option that makes sense. Put her stage at the edge of the tower then hang the 10 largest video screens we can find under it. No one who sees Swift live has a real good look at her anyway, so why should this show be any different? We’ll set up bleachers around the base of the butte and try not to laugh while we do. You know just the idea of being able to perform on something called Devil’s Tower will be too much for the new, curses-on-her-album-because-she’s-edgy Taylor to resist.

Finally, some sacrifices will have to be made to show that we’re serious. Don’t worry, we’re not burning anyone alive — yet — but we will have to be public about what side we’re on. Sorry Katy and Kanye fans: we’re going to have to ban them from ever stepping foot in Wyoming again, along with John Mayer, Calvin Harris, Harry Styles, the rest of One Direction for good measure, Loki, the werewolf from those vampire movies you pretend you hate and anyone with the last name Gyllenhaal. Listen, most of those people weren’t going to come round these parts anyway, but she doesn’t need to know that.

Also, we might need to replace bison as the state animal for a few months, but in time you’ll learn to love snakes.

Follow these simple steps and we’re sure to end up with a concert big enough to rank as the third largest city in the state. (Laramie: you’re on notice.) And when all’s said and done, we’ll put up a statue of her at the base of the mountain, tasteful snake signet rings (you bought yours for $60, right?) and all. It will enter into Wyoming legend.

Or maybe not. A Taylor Swift statue seems like the sort of thing that would bring in a lot of Nazis on vacation, and we don’t need those tourism dollars that badly, right? PJH

About Cory Garcia

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