Redneck Perspective: Westbank Redneck Shot in Closed Area

By on January 10, 2018

Locals and visitors alike responded with everything from outrage to support for the poacher of redneck 337, a 39-year-old male from the Teton Pines pack. Warden Jon Stephens got a call from a barista who witnessed a redneck slip across the road from the John Dodge Subdivision, an area that has not met its annual quota and where hunting is allowed, into the Pines which is closed to redneck hunting.

Shortly after the crossing, the tipsters saw a Mercedes turn into the Pines with a big-breasted woman in the passenger’s seat. She was wearing a lowcut NASCAR top, drinking Jack Daniels chasing it with Bud Lite while eating bacon, the standard baits used by redneck hunters.

According to Warden Stephens, the redneck was sporting a beer belly, beard and Carhart hat and had he not been harvested, would have been in good shape to survive the winter.

While reintroduced rednecks can be hunted in some areas of the Westbank, the Teton Pines is a “free roam zone” and hunting is not allowed.

Environmentalists insist rednecks are native to the Westbank and should be allowed to wander freely despite complaints from owners of sushi shops and latte dispensaries of creating a “white trailer trash image” inappropriate in the sophisticated Wilson ecosystem.

Reintroduction opponents claim the rednecks transported from Hog Island are a different sub-species than the original rednecks that lived in the area before gentrification.

“They have larger guts, bigger trucks, more guns, and stronger aftershave,” claimed an exasperated Goldman Sachs executive.

It was pressure from the ABTW (Association of Bored Trophy Wives) that secured the hunting prohibition in Teton Pines. It is rumored the barista who provided officials the tip, while not a card-carrying member of the ABTW, was one of many women in the valley who favored rednecks for cheap onenight flings over the more prevalent snowboarders whom it is alleged take up snowboarding to make up for physical shortcomings.

“We assume the redneck was crossing the road for breeding purposes and the complaints we received from ABTW about the illegal kill confirm our suspicions,” Warden Stephens said.

Not only was the redneck harvested on in a closed area, the bait was not approved by the Wyoming Game and Fish. According to Warden Stephens, hunters may use only one of the following: Bud Lite, big-breasted women, Jack Daniels or bacon, but not in combination.

“ Using all four baits together is so overpowering rednecks lose all sense of reality,” Warden Stephens stated passionately. “It shows a lack of respect for fair chase and true sportsmanship.”

One local Teton Pines hunter had no sympathy for the poacher. “It’s hard enough to harvest a redneck without competition from poachers,” Bick Chiney told reporters.

Mr. Chiney is hoping to add a redneck to his trophy room which already contains mounts of a hunting companion, a family of Sudanese refuges, a Mexican and a terrorist suspect. The terrorist suspect turned out to be an aid worker from France.

“Same difference,” Mr. Chiney claimed. PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

You must be logged in to post a comment Login