Redneck Perspective: All Man’s March

By on January 24, 2018

Hog Island Activate (HI ACTivate) is a new group intended to be a resource and inspiration for effective political action to support men’s rights and the polices of Hog Island Mayor Ndogo Uume.

“We oppose the anti-American agenda of the so-called women’s marchers, most of whom are professional protesters flown in from Wilson and paid by for by liberal elites living in new doublewides on the west end of the trailer park,” said Ken Earle, a founding member of HI ACTivate. (Disclosure: Ken is my stepbrother’s uncle and his latest wife is my third ex-wife’s daughter’s stepbrother’s ex-wife’s sister.)

According to Earle, HI ACTivate was planning an opposing march on the day of the woman’s march but was blocked by “leaders of the women’s march employing devious traits from the murkiest part of the female psyche,” Earle claimed. “They purposefully scheduled their march on a Saturday when they knew men would be hungover.”

Earle went through a list of what he called disgusting and subversive goals JH ACTivate has published on their website and repudiated each one.

“They claim inclusion as one of their ideals,” he raged. “Well, inclusion is a code word for allowing Dallas Cowboy fans the same rights as Denver Bronco fans. It’s disrespectful to our military.”

“They want civil rights for all, but they don’t define who “all” is. Would “all” include people who root for BYU, people who drive Fords instead of Chevys? Who drink Coors instead of Bud Lite?” Earle said. “It’s disrespectful to our military.”

“They favor science and evidence-based policies, but science is often wrong and evidence can be biased. Just look at the history!” Earle said. “For tens of thousands of years before the advent of agriculture and the rise of an educated liberal elitist class, the best science and evidence-based theory’s stated that the earth was flat and the sun went around America. Men hunted all day and women did all the work and any man could grab the ass or breasts of any woman he wanted without fearing a hashtag movement. It was a golden age. Now the earth is round, we go around the sun, math has become complicated, we can’t have sex with a woman without her consent and the world is in chaos all because of science and evidence-based policies. And it’s disrespectful to our military.”

“JH ACTivate believes in the foundational concepts of democracy. That’s disrespectful to our service men and women.” Earle said contemptuously. “Everyone who truly loves the trailer park, who loves America, who loves freedom believes Mayor Uume should be rewarded with lifelong rule and the power to make decrees without legislative interference or liberal meddling.”

“And what’s all this about freedom of the press,” he demanded. “The press needs to reports the news the way Mayor Uume wants it reported; everything else is fake news and disrespectful to our military. The founding fathers never intended freedom of the press to be infinite, but free within the boundaries of a 280-character tweet.” PJH

About Clyde Thornhill

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